My life is constantly filled with "what if's". No matter how many times I look at a situation or weigh the pros and cons or think I made the "right" choice, there will always be some doubt in the back of my mind. I live in constant fear of making the wrong choice or messing up. Decisions do not come easy to me, in fact they usually end in tears and leave me anxiety ridden. My mind is constantly racing with different outcomes and scenarios based on the options and it all becomes a lot to handle. Do things usually work out? Sure, but getting there is never easy. And when they don't work out, then come the thoughts about "what if" you had done something else.
I cannot compartmentalize. I cannot simply shut off my constant whirlwind of thoughts. Overthinking consumes your thoughts and mind and is a hard monster to shake. Sure, I'm good at hiding it, I will say everything is fine, or say that I'm good and ask how you are, but inside it is something completely different. There isn't a switch that I can flip and just make my overthinking tendencies stop, they're always there whether I like it or not. No matter how great things are going, or if you have an awesome day, it's all still there lurking in the back of your mind waiting for you to give it your full attention.
Living in the moment is hard. It's not that I don't enjoy being present, and it's definitely not that I don't want to, it's just that no matter how hard I try I always let my thoughts sweep me away. One moment leads to the next or someone says something that sparks a whole train of thoughts in your head and you cannot stop them.
I'm a social person and love the relationships in my life, but as an over thinker it can be tough to interact with people. I am constantly worried about what I am saying or doing and how people are receiving it. If someone doesn't answer my text panic sets in, "did I say something wrong?", "are they mad at me?", "I must be bothering them." Now do I know these things probably aren't true 98% of the time? Of course. But that doesn't make the feelings and thoughts any less real. Constantly questioning all of your relationships and the genuineness of them because of all the little "what if's" in your mind. The constant struggle of wanting to hangout and talk to your friends but worrying that they do not feel the same way about you. To an over thinker, a short or angry message, not replying, lack of interest, or anything along those lines, will send them into a downward spiral of thoughts.
I know that I am like this, and I know that I am flawed. I lie awake at night and I toss and I turn and I wish that I was "normal". I often crave so badly to just be able to accept things at face value, to not over analyze every aspect of my life, to simply just be. But that is just not the way my mind functions, it is part of who I am. And yes, I am aware of it, and I crush it when I can, but overthinking is just part of the way I work. However no one is perfect and flaws are what make people unique. I have to often remind myself not to beat myself up for it because I cannot control how my brain works, and getting down on myself isn't going to accomplish anything.
To all the other ovethinkers out there, you are not alone in your struggles. And to people who don't understand what I am talking about, I'm glad for you, but also remember to be understanding to those who simply cannot answer yes or no, or who always seem anxiety ridden. Be mindful of those around you and how you treat people, because while sending a K, or not answering a text may not seem like a big deal to you, it could have the person on the other end up all night wondering what they did wrong. For people who can make decisions just like that, have patience for those who spend hours, days, or even weeks, pondering their choices and stressing over the big job of decision making. We are all different and we all function differently. And while you may not be able to understand what everyone else is experiencing or going through, you can be accepting and nonjudgemental.
Sure, I wish that just for once things could be simple, for once I wouldn't have that pit in my stomach of butterflies and anxiety, but then I wouldn't be me. For me, nothing is ever going to be simple, and I have to learn to be okay with that.
Are you an over thinker?